laurelpants

I woke up this morning and Autum was gone. She went home to clean. We were supposed to go with her to help but I think she wanted some time to herself. I'm alright with that though. Stagmiller left about an hour after I woke up. I like being awake while everyone else is still asleep. I can't remember what Laura and I did this morning. I'm pretty sure we just sat around and did nothing. She made me an omelet that was covered in onions. Oh man, I love onions so much. We got dressed and went to stuart to get crickets. We went to target and the mall afterwards. Surprisingly, I didn't find a single thing I liked at target. I finally bought that wallet i've been dying to have for a few months at that egyptian store in the mall. That little fucker was $20. It's made of leather and I could hear Mr. Ayres yelling at me when I bought it. We got home at around 4:30. Lauras mom came to pick her up and I left for work. I'm so happy I can text at work. I'd be so bored if I couldn't. Nina let me leave work about 10 minutes early. I'm not sure why but I wasn't about to complain. I went to subway to get something to eat since my mama didn't make anything.

Sevi make making so much fun of Sara, tonight. I loved it so much.

everything about you."

Today was really nice, I guess. I woke up on Jessie's trundle around ten and threw my arm up on the bed to see if she was there. She wasn't, but I saw her out on the couch, on the computer. I sat next to her for a while and then Sarah left. Autum had left even earlier to clean her house. Jessie wanted me to make her an omelette with onions and cheese, so I did. I didn't think it was that good, but Jessie said she liked it.
We played Oblivion for a bit, Jessie more than me and I got really frustrated at Need for Speed. I took a shower, Mike made me mad and I straightened my hair.
We went out to get crickets, and then I bought myself a chicken sandwich from Wendy's. Jessie gave Makalaka his crickets and then we decided to go to Target. All the clothes there sucked except for these layering tanktops they had, oh man I liked them. Jessie bought nachos and a Icee and I wrote a note saying, 'I could of stolen your Pepsi. Have a nice day! (: P.S. you should roll up your windows' note in the car next to Zeus, which had three out of its four windows open. So creepy.
We then went to the mall with the intentions of looking in the ghetto stores for tights. I saw Mike and the girl he was with, Lily. I didn't scream his name because they were ahead of us but I got really upset and my stomach started to hurt and my hands started to shake. I don't know why.
Jessie finally bought the wallet she had always wanted from the Egyptian store. Then we walked around, I pee'd and we left.
My stomach still hurts. 

oh my God, I just realized it. I don't want to do it at all. I can't find anything on my semester project for chemistry, and I can't bullshit it this time. I got by so easy for trial one, holy moly. Velocity is also supposed to be finished, but I'm only halfway. The book scares me :(

Murphy still hasn't called me back.
Carina had a sex dream about me and Jerel. He was a vampire, and she let him kill me. I felt really weird, hearing her tell me about her dream of me and Jerel. Why would she dream about me fucking Jerel on her couch? I don't even want to fuck Jerel on her couch. No way, no how.

I rrrrrrrreeeeeaallllllllyyy need 35mm film. I bought a camera from Goodwill for $30, and am now realizing what a ripoff it was. Ha, Goodwill ripped me off. I spent $73 there, holy shit. I like it all though, I like it allllllll. I want to carry the camera all over with me, it's so beautiful. I'd fuck it on Carina's couch.
I went over there last night. We watched some of Funny Games. She freaked out about it, and I had to turn it off when Marcia and the kids, and Margie, got home. That put me in a sour mood. We walked to Shop n Save and I bought Yoohoo's (which are now bigger and come in a four-pack), butterscotch chips, and marshmallows. She bought Funyuns, pizza bites, and a six-pack of Coca Cola. We like a lot of the same food, and I think that's why I like her. We're different in every way imaginable, except for our taste in foods. Crazy!
I left her house around one o'clock because we weren't doing anything.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE ON O'FALLON IN A LONG TIME, AND I'D LOVE DEARLY FOR THAT TO CHANGE.

Today my family is going to a party and I'm staying home to enjoy the house to myself.

Yesterday, I went to the flea market and even though I told people I would come back, I never did. Adrienne bought two things and if only I had $60, I would have bought that camera. I think I'm going to convince my mother to go back and pay for it, only because I need it for Photo next year. Afterwards, we walked around over to Chick-Fil-A where we watched the lil' kids running around then Adrienne's mom picked us up and we went over to her house to watch Rugrats. Oh damn, I miss that movie. I really wish I still had it. And a VCR, cause if I just had the movie, it'd still be pointless. THEN, we went to school to pick up her sister, then to the mall, and then to Jensen High.

The competition wasn't really that exciting, so we just walked around and I basically drank hot chocolate the entire time. We tried to talk to the middle schoolers but they were too stuck up for us; some of them knew me though, which was a bit odd. I didn't congratulate any of the South Fork band kids cause we came in second to last place and they could have done better. 

Today, I'm studying for English, history, math, and Spanish. I don't have Chemistry tomorrow or Tuesday, and I'm so happy. But I'm supposed to take stupid Benchmarks on Tuesday, as well as the Career Placement Test, so I don't know how that's going to work out, seeing as the CPT starts at 7:30 and Benchmark 7:40. 

Either way, I'm glad last week was the only five day week in November and I made it into a four day week by missing school on Thursday.

wake up in the middle of the night, it's really unhealthy. Especially if I can't go back to sleep right then and there.
Mike apologized for not picking his phone up, he said 'it's pretty much busted beyond belief.' He said that in a message. I wish he had called me off of someone else's phone.
I'm really anxious for Monday. The anxiety is really bad though, I had a cigarette tonight and I told him that. I don't like that I'm getting this stressed over a boy, either, and I'm making a lot of spelling errors, oh man. I bet if Sarah or Autum woke up they'd think I'm sleep-typing right now.
I hate that I lose my virginity to Eric. I hate it so much. I bet he wouldn't even recognize me now, let alone remember my name. I just made the coolest looking Y and backspaced it. But really, Eric FR3$H I hate you.
Sarah just woke up.
I was in such a bad mood today, just when we were over at Cody's. I felt kind of bad, and then I felt even worse when I slunk off.
I just wish everything was easier right now. Nothing is difficult, so I just actually wish you'd fucking give me an answer.
This is becoming so obnoxious.

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I met someone who felt the same way, but I remember him more for being strong enough to change. From him I learned that people are more than their mistakes.


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Many years ago, an older man that I trusted had inappropriate sexual contact with me. Twelve years of therapy and a suicide attempt later, and I still live with it every day.

A big part of me will forever be defined by the worst thing that ever happened to me.

























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I am a prisoner of my own indecision.




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having $77, and knowing that I'll be getting another $10 tomorrow because they didn't pay us last week.

This morning when I was hockin up a loogie in the kitchen, I spat it out in a paper towel and part of it was a dark purple color. My sinuses are ..disturbed, I guess. It was blood. YUM!

I babysat last night. Gus is evil, and just legitimately scares the shit out of me. He will be the perfect serial killer, except he's not friendly in a creepy way; he's just straight up creepy. He also won't listen to me, so it makes me want to punish him further, which can't be done because he won't listen to the authority that is me. Marni was an angel, oh God I love her so much more sometimes. She's creepy too though, don't get me wrong.

Carina came over around 6:00 and left around 7:00... She called me and told me she had to go to her house for her medication. She's now medicated to take pills that will help her deal with her bipolar disorder, and sumthin else that I forgot. When she got back, she told me that she bumped into Rachel as she was walking home and had five hits of da doobie. "Yeah, but I only had five...," "Okay," "Yeah so uh..," "You're NOT high," "I know," "Are you sure you know?" "Yeah!" "All right..," She kept talking about it. I was pretty mad, and I plan on telling Murphy and then he'll feel bad for me and invite me to smoke with him and his friends. YEAHHHHHH BOYYYYY. I still don't have my cigarettes. I've given up calling someone that never answers their phone.
Withheld called me at least another five times last night, and it really freaked me out. Velocity, the book I'm reading, is a murder mystery and the freak that's killing innocent people calls Billy Wiles and just doesn't talk. But of course, I haven't received any notes saying I need to chose who to kill so I'd say I'm pretty safe. But just.. my paranoia makes it very difficult for me to think logically like this when it's real nice and dark outside, and I'm watching everyone. Super duper party pooper.
When Tim and Luanne got home, it wasn't yet one o'clock, and I was so relieved. Luanne wasn't shitfaced, and I don't think she was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything from last night. Carina went in and talked to her and told her Harry hit her in the lip with one of her guitars for GuitarHero -Lie. I'm going to have to talk to Luanne about that now, because her judgments of Harry are bad enough already. OH GOD, HE TOLD ME YESTERDAY HE'S DYING HIS HAIR DARK BROWN. Ridiculous, if you ask me.
And so after Tim and Luanne's arrival we went to bed. Carina is so hard to sleep with, and I can't really say that without feeling weird because people call me a lesbian. And even if I was a lesbian, I would never ever, ever, put any moves on Carina Chapel "Markley", ever. I didn't really have a lot of room to sleep, on my own bed, and I had to sleep with the window open because Carina forgot her pajamas, and so that made my nose real nice and crusty.

This morning, her arm fell on my tit, which woke me up. And I tried to go back to bed because it was so early, but then she did something weird to the covers she took away from me. She wadded them in between us, and I almost fell off the bed. I woke up, made some eggs, downloaded some music that wasn't the Alvin Band, and then had to turn my iTunes real low because Luanne was goin' back to bed.

I also now need permission to watch certain movies. Why are ALL of the movies I'm interested in rated R? Because they're good, and matured, and I'm good and matured. I don't watch R rated films for sex scenes and just nudity in general. If it's rated R, it has more of a plot and is USUALLY a better movie. I'm canceling the Netflix for here if I can't watch what I want to. Fuck you.

JUST TALKED.
COME ON, THAT'S MIME RULE NUMBER ONE. NO TALKING.
I can't believe that. 
Today was pretty good. First through third block I was in culinary because we had a very important luncheon. I helped plate things and I didn't see the point in staying through lunch because I didn't like any of the food.
At lunch, Adam bought me pizza and Raven got a chicken bowl. She gave Jessie and I Hogwarts bumper stickers, one said MRS. NORRIS IS WATCHING YOU which made me think of my aunt, since her last name is Norris. And it had a cat up in the corner, which reminded me of Jasper. I took the ALL ABOARD HOGWARTS EXPRESS which I told Jessie she should take because she was going to put it on her car. I think she took GO GYRFFINDOR instead though. In fourth block I signed up for giving blood which really excites me.
After school there was a GSA meeting. I really hate everyone in it, they laugh at everything and they're dumb.
Mike isn't online, I wonder where he is.

Today was... interesting.

First block, I asked Kobold if I could switch seats with Julia and he told me if Julia didn't mind, he didn't mind. I asked Julia and at first, she seemed reluctant, but then she was alright with it. I moved her bag over there for her and Caroline welcomed her, which is what I had hoped would convince Julia to switch. Nonetheless, I sit in a more comfortable area and I think Marissa and I might get into more trouble later in the year. Plus, it's not like I spend more time in my regular seat. Then we went to the computer lab and then we came back and I asked Kobold if Hamlet really loved Ophelia - and he agreed that he did, which was cool.

Then went on to Math, where it's the same. Chemistry, blah. You shouldn't ask a teacher if they're homophobic because not only asking a teacher that is weird but also because they probably could be and word would get out. I hate student/teacher relationships. I don't know of I'm either envious of them or just hate them in general because of the shit it's caused for me. Anyway, went on to third block where Wilma and I chatted. At lunch, we discussed the normal things. Then in the second half of third block, Kyle went on bitch mode on Ian and Ian got up and decided to grip/murder Kyle. I felt bad for adding to their fight - at least the verbal part - but if Kyle wasn't such a bitch, things wouldn't have worked out the way they did. It's a bit ironic though because whenever someone is talking to someone, Kyle interrupts or jumps into the conversation but the one time Ian does it, it's the wrong and deserves a bitchin'.

Spanish was, Spanish. I read on the way home on the bus then drove in GrandMama's car from the bus stop to the dentist. I almost ran a stop sign, but I didn't! Instead, I messed up my grandmother's car stuff sitting in the backseat. I can't believe how nervous I was, but it's probably all because I haven't been driving as much as I should be. In six months, I could have my license, but I seriously think I'm going to fail the test. Wow. So much for driving everywhere. Ugh. At the dentist, the woman said I had nice teeth and so did the actual dentist, to which I was shocked. We went to the Mexican restaurant that was good and very spicy afterwards. We had some fried ice cream which wasn't very good, so I just dug underneath the supposedly "fried" part to get to the ice cream.

Now I have homework in every class and I am seriously considering dropping out of high school, w00t. 

it's ridiculous.

it's fake." Those fake lottery tickets are terrible, I feel so bad for the people that are fooled by them.
TuesdayTuesdayTuesday, oh man what a day.
First block was really boring. Kind of funny. Abort it.
I still hate my second block, even more so now because of my new seat. I imagined Samara crawling out of the TV and falling to the ground, and I thought it was funny. Jessie didn't though, because she sits next to Michael Myers. But he goes by Mike, so it's more like the guy that played Austin Powers than the serial killer...
During third block, I peeled beets. 
Lunch was how lunch always is.
I hate fourth block because of most of the kids in there.
After school I stayed an hour for culinary. I'll be working with Eddie and Dan alllllllllll Thursday, yeeha! Which reminds me, my mom needs to sign two papers, yup. 
My aunt wasn't picking up her phone and my mom was in a meeting, and Niko came to pick me up. It was really nice seeing him, he got skinnier. I made small talk by asking a lot of questions which I'm sure got annoying. He came into my house and met my aunt which annoyed me kind of. Then I went swimming and he told me I had a big ass. Surprise!
After Niko left, my mom drove me to Mike's house. I wasn't in a good mood at that moment, and Mike kept his hands off me for most of the night. His mom asked me if she looked 'bitchin' and that severely upped his mood. I love his mom. I loved Ross' mom too, I miss her and her accent. We watched Up and I couldn't get the guts to yell at him but oh man, I was pissed because he brought up Jordan and how disappointed he was in what I had done with him. I fucking kissed him. That's all, and you've had sex with 22 girls supposedly, so fuck you.
I almost walked out of his house but he picked me up and took me back to his room. That made me mad too.
I walked out to the gate in the rain. In Mike's hat and thermal shirt. He apologized before I left and we drank rum.

thinks I'm a lesbian. Oh my God. Carina told me all about her conversation with Jerel on the bus, and it was about me being a hot ass lesbian. I'm so str8 its scary, but not really at all.
He also asked me if I was doing anything interesting this morning, and I was short with him because I'm sick. I'm only going to hang out with him if he gives me weed.


I want my cigarettttesssss. And to go to the doctor, and to get more birth control.
I came home around 10 today.
I didn't recognize Molly.
The nurses are really nice.










BEHhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

is so dry.
Questions, question, questionszzzzzzszs/ 

I don't like celebrating because I'm not doing it with the people I want to. I wish I could have been in Palm City, instead of Monticello Estates. I told Luanne I had a really nice time though. For most of the night Carina and I were in the bug. I love that car. The seats heat up. My ass was on fire, and it felt so good. It was at 44 when we walked back to Carina's from my favorite house in the neighborhood. She called Jerel like six times, and it was really stupid. Her dad gave her a beer and she shared it with me. They wanted to go to the store to get some wine, and if either of us had our wallets on us we could have gotten Smirnoff Ice fuckourlives. I couldn't go to sleep at Carina's because she's fat and takes up all of the bed, and I was getting sick. I had Tim pick me up before 8, I guess, and I slept all day yesterday. I also took two baths and a shower. I feel like my fever has gone down, and that I'm a lot better, but my ear still really hurts. They thought I had the flu. I'm going to the doctor today.



Harry was beat up by some little kid with a christmas tree. The cut is really gross.

Growing older.
My popsicle stick speaks da truth.
My K button is kind of broken, you have to press down on it really hard.

YESTERDAY WAS HALLOWEEN! YEEHA!
Jessie and I went trick or treating with Autum, Rachel and her boyfriend, Jenny and her boyfriend, Katelyn, a few other kids and Adam because I invited him. We were on All-American and it was kind of creepy because a helicopter flew over with a searchlight and it freaked some of us out. I didn't get a lot of candy and neither did Jessie, because were being lazy. We went through a haunted house and it kind of scared me, I'm not gonna lie. 
Once eight rolled around we left with Adam and luckily enough Valerie was driving on her way home and she picked us up. I feel like all of the adults in that car thought Adam was my boyfriend because they were asking if he was a good kid, what his intentions were, blahblahblah. 
We got our shit together and got in Jessie's car and picked up Tylor Dortch who was dressed as Jesus, it was great. Then we went over to Taylor's house and waited for about an hour for Brandon to arrive. As soon as he got there, we all left for Mike's house. Brandon was wearing his speedo and Jessie and I smoked quite a bit, and passed out.

Halloween was good.

I'm staying in Florida. But I'm still going to the meeting tomorrow just in case I can be convinced. And so I can get out of Spanish early. No a mi me gusta clase espanol.

I'm going to start writing for NaNoWriMo and see if I can become a super indie kid who writes novels. 

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/2009/11/sunday-secrets.html

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people
mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard.




















See more secrets. Follow PostSecret on Twitter.


















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I'm studying Hindi, so that when I meet your parents, I can tell them I love you.















The new book is available from bookstores and online.

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Subject: thank you

Frank,

This past Friday night I found myself in a black hole of depression and I didn't know how I was going to make it through the night. Not knowing where to turn and feeling like I couldn't stop. I remembered seeing the Hopeline phone number in the front of your book. I talked with someone there for 2 and a half hours and I truly feel that they saved my life.

Thank you for the book, thank Hopeline for being there, and thank the people that send in their postcards so that others know they are not alone with their secrets.


-Casie (with permission)





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-----Email Message-----
(posted with permission)

Good evening Frank,

I sent you a post card in 2006. I made it on a picture. I liked it a lot. And I guess, so did you, because you posted it that fallowing Sunday. I was excited and happy, until I noticed that YOU HAD CUT OFF HALF OF MY SECRET. Then my excitement and happiness turned into violation and anger... I was so pissed! I didn't know why you had done that! I felt like you had taken my secret, and changed it... and then shown the whole world. I realize now, that you had CUT OFF MY SECRET because it wasn't the 'correct size' of a post card. Which STILL pisses me off, because I have seen a lot of post cards that you have posted, that isn't the "shape" of a fucking post card. But you don't change their wording, or edit them... (or maybe you do.)

Frankly, Frank... I have never, and probably will never sent you another post card again. Because it doesn't feel safe. Because what if you're going to change and alter that one, too? Now I doubt the post cards I see.... if you altered and edited mine, how would I know that you didn't just do the same thing, to some other poor girl, pouring her heart out on a dark night?

Final Kicker: That post card i sent was god themed. It said "Maybe I'll start believeing in G-d..." (and THE PART YOU FUCKING CUT OFF WOULD OF SAID "...Now that I am slowly loosing everything, there seems no better time") I bought your new book... Maybe because I wanted another PS book, or maybe because I was still holding out that I might see my old secret, properly displayed in whole... alas, I was left disappointed that my secret was no where to be found. Anywhere.

So... why am I writing you, 3 years later about a post card you don't remember? I'm not sure. I've started and deleted this same email to you so many times, over the last 3 years. I feel stupid for being this upset over something so silly. That's why I've deleted the past emails...Part of me feels like you deserve to know that you have hurt the feelings of one of your (long time) viewers. I still like Post Secret, I still support you, and I still tell others about this project, but you did take some fire out of my passion. And you did hurt my feelings, and I don't feel safe sharing my secrets with you any more.

But this time Frank, I might just hit the send button...


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On this week's post secret there is a picture of a girl with nipple peircings. The strange thing is, that girl looks just like me.. I have straight red hair that color and I am pale and thin just the same. I could send you a picture of myself if you do not understand why I am so upset. Please take it off!!


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Except Wednesday wasn't an easy day; we still had work. But Thursday and today weren't, woo!

Yesterday, I sat in fear in Kelley's class for about thirty minutes, then we went and played Scrabble. I won, technically, with 5 points, because we only played for five minutes. And then we went to Levelle, where he proceeded to tell everyone his predictions for our SAT scores. He told me I got a 700 on the practice test and everyone clapped and I was all, uh no. So I complained about how it wasn't even accurate and I went and asked him about it and he was confused by my calculations, so, in reality, I scored 520, not 700. Which is 20 points less from what I started out with his class. Hah, stupid class. I hate SAT prep soooooo0o much. It's such a fucking waste of an elective. Then I took my Spanish exam, which was easy, and I scored a 90 and it only bought my grade up 1 point. So I have an 88 in Spanish which isn't bad, but I wish it was an A. I was just two points away!

Today, I slept in and did nothing. And I plan to do nothing but chill for the rest of the week.

Monday, I have my meeting with the college representative and I get to miss school. And Tuesday, it's back to schedule. 

a tease.
Yesterday was our last day of exams, and I cheated on both of them. Not badly though. In culinary I had to look at two of Michelle's answers and then I figured the rest out. In history I ChaCha'd two questions and oh boy, ChaCha saves test scores, swear to god.
After those were over, Raven and I went home with Jessie, because Jessie was going over to Tyler's. She dropped us off at Mike's house and we all eventually went swimming because I had my bathing suit and I wanted to swim. 
Mike talked about how he didn't want a relationship and it really pissed me off.
I hate how Mike is so much stronger than me. I can struggle, bite and scratch and hit all I want and he never puts me down. It makes me feel little. My aunt picked Raven and I up at 3:30 and we dropped Raven off so she wouldn't get in trouble. Then we went back home. Mike wanted me to sleep over so he came and picked me up and he and his mom were talking about Obama and cigarettes, all because of me. Once we were back at the house he and I walked to McDonalds. He bought fries for us to share and a huge drink and a really creepy man asked me if I was okay. I guess a girl looking like me, texting, all alone at a table in McDonalds isn't fine. Once Tyler got off work he told us Eddie was coming to pick us up with Kristi and Colin. Mike hates Kristi and Colin, so we left. As we were leaving and crossing over to Starbucks we saw Eddie and Kristi pull in, and Kristi began calling Mike, which he ignored.
Jon was at Starbucks and he was high as fuck.
We went to Walgreens and Mike bought some more shit and I read Cosmopolitan and why boys like bad girls. Because they don't wear underwear.
This morning Mike's mom and Gary left to go to the Keys. I feel bad for Mike because his mom goes to a bunch of places without him. She left him notes everywhere saying shit like NO PARTIES and CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM. I thought it was cute. 
Mike has a shirt that says MO MONEY, MO BITCHES. That's funny, but I wore a white shirt of his and a flannel because I didn't feel like wearing the shirt I was in the day before.
I have to get ready to drive over to Autum's because I'm staying with her and Jessie at her grandma's. Yeeha!