laurelpants

oh my God, I just realized it. I don't want to do it at all. I can't find anything on my semester project for chemistry, and I can't bullshit it this time. I got by so easy for trial one, holy moly. Velocity is also supposed to be finished, but I'm only halfway. The book scares me :(

Murphy still hasn't called me back.
Carina had a sex dream about me and Jerel. He was a vampire, and she let him kill me. I felt really weird, hearing her tell me about her dream of me and Jerel. Why would she dream about me fucking Jerel on her couch? I don't even want to fuck Jerel on her couch. No way, no how.

I rrrrrrrreeeeeaallllllllyyy need 35mm film. I bought a camera from Goodwill for $30, and am now realizing what a ripoff it was. Ha, Goodwill ripped me off. I spent $73 there, holy shit. I like it all though, I like it allllllll. I want to carry the camera all over with me, it's so beautiful. I'd fuck it on Carina's couch.
I went over there last night. We watched some of Funny Games. She freaked out about it, and I had to turn it off when Marcia and the kids, and Margie, got home. That put me in a sour mood. We walked to Shop n Save and I bought Yoohoo's (which are now bigger and come in a four-pack), butterscotch chips, and marshmallows. She bought Funyuns, pizza bites, and a six-pack of Coca Cola. We like a lot of the same food, and I think that's why I like her. We're different in every way imaginable, except for our taste in foods. Crazy!
I left her house around one o'clock because we weren't doing anything.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE ON O'FALLON IN A LONG TIME, AND I'D LOVE DEARLY FOR THAT TO CHANGE.

having $77, and knowing that I'll be getting another $10 tomorrow because they didn't pay us last week.

This morning when I was hockin up a loogie in the kitchen, I spat it out in a paper towel and part of it was a dark purple color. My sinuses are ..disturbed, I guess. It was blood. YUM!

I babysat last night. Gus is evil, and just legitimately scares the shit out of me. He will be the perfect serial killer, except he's not friendly in a creepy way; he's just straight up creepy. He also won't listen to me, so it makes me want to punish him further, which can't be done because he won't listen to the authority that is me. Marni was an angel, oh God I love her so much more sometimes. She's creepy too though, don't get me wrong.

Carina came over around 6:00 and left around 7:00... She called me and told me she had to go to her house for her medication. She's now medicated to take pills that will help her deal with her bipolar disorder, and sumthin else that I forgot. When she got back, she told me that she bumped into Rachel as she was walking home and had five hits of da doobie. "Yeah, but I only had five...," "Okay," "Yeah so uh..," "You're NOT high," "I know," "Are you sure you know?" "Yeah!" "All right..," She kept talking about it. I was pretty mad, and I plan on telling Murphy and then he'll feel bad for me and invite me to smoke with him and his friends. YEAHHHHHH BOYYYYY. I still don't have my cigarettes. I've given up calling someone that never answers their phone.
Withheld called me at least another five times last night, and it really freaked me out. Velocity, the book I'm reading, is a murder mystery and the freak that's killing innocent people calls Billy Wiles and just doesn't talk. But of course, I haven't received any notes saying I need to chose who to kill so I'd say I'm pretty safe. But just.. my paranoia makes it very difficult for me to think logically like this when it's real nice and dark outside, and I'm watching everyone. Super duper party pooper.
When Tim and Luanne got home, it wasn't yet one o'clock, and I was so relieved. Luanne wasn't shitfaced, and I don't think she was so drunk that she doesn't remember anything from last night. Carina went in and talked to her and told her Harry hit her in the lip with one of her guitars for GuitarHero -Lie. I'm going to have to talk to Luanne about that now, because her judgments of Harry are bad enough already. OH GOD, HE TOLD ME YESTERDAY HE'S DYING HIS HAIR DARK BROWN. Ridiculous, if you ask me.
And so after Tim and Luanne's arrival we went to bed. Carina is so hard to sleep with, and I can't really say that without feeling weird because people call me a lesbian. And even if I was a lesbian, I would never ever, ever, put any moves on Carina Chapel "Markley", ever. I didn't really have a lot of room to sleep, on my own bed, and I had to sleep with the window open because Carina forgot her pajamas, and so that made my nose real nice and crusty.

This morning, her arm fell on my tit, which woke me up. And I tried to go back to bed because it was so early, but then she did something weird to the covers she took away from me. She wadded them in between us, and I almost fell off the bed. I woke up, made some eggs, downloaded some music that wasn't the Alvin Band, and then had to turn my iTunes real low because Luanne was goin' back to bed.

I also now need permission to watch certain movies. Why are ALL of the movies I'm interested in rated R? Because they're good, and matured, and I'm good and matured. I don't watch R rated films for sex scenes and just nudity in general. If it's rated R, it has more of a plot and is USUALLY a better movie. I'm canceling the Netflix for here if I can't watch what I want to. Fuck you.

thinks I'm a lesbian. Oh my God. Carina told me all about her conversation with Jerel on the bus, and it was about me being a hot ass lesbian. I'm so str8 its scary, but not really at all.
He also asked me if I was doing anything interesting this morning, and I was short with him because I'm sick. I'm only going to hang out with him if he gives me weed.


I want my cigarettttesssss. And to go to the doctor, and to get more birth control.
I came home around 10 today.
I didn't recognize Molly.
The nurses are really nice.










BEHhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

I don't like celebrating because I'm not doing it with the people I want to. I wish I could have been in Palm City, instead of Monticello Estates. I told Luanne I had a really nice time though. For most of the night Carina and I were in the bug. I love that car. The seats heat up. My ass was on fire, and it felt so good. It was at 44 when we walked back to Carina's from my favorite house in the neighborhood. She called Jerel like six times, and it was really stupid. Her dad gave her a beer and she shared it with me. They wanted to go to the store to get some wine, and if either of us had our wallets on us we could have gotten Smirnoff Ice fuckourlives. I couldn't go to sleep at Carina's because she's fat and takes up all of the bed, and I was getting sick. I had Tim pick me up before 8, I guess, and I slept all day yesterday. I also took two baths and a shower. I feel like my fever has gone down, and that I'm a lot better, but my ear still really hurts. They thought I had the flu. I'm going to the doctor today.



Harry was beat up by some little kid with a christmas tree. The cut is really gross.

fucking take not being able to do something new and exciting for Halloween. I can't believe it. Today, Carina and Kevin failed to show up at school. So we're not hanging out with Kevin. I guess Murphy doesn't have Kevin's number, and I know he doesn't know where he lives, because he couldn't help me out in my dilemma. He probably doesn't see it as a dilemma, but having to hang out with Carina all of the time really fucking sucks. I feel bad for her though, because Marcia's selfish and her dad has no idea what's going on. Murphy again didn't invite me to join him on his Halloween escapade, but did say he'd be getting high with Nathan. Surprise. He's going to make a pipe out of his toy gun, because he likes to be creative. He was dressed as a cowboy today.
In novel, kids were dressed up and Rachel was wearing the boots that I oh so desire. We talked about her boots, and she told me I could get them at Target. I thought that was weird, because she has them, but then again I thought that it really wasn't a big deal and hated myself for thinking that it was. But seriously, they're PERFECT. The boots at Urban Outfitters are $78 and have heel, but the ones from Target don't. H0lL4~
I liked being dressed as Nancy Drew, because I fucking loved the outfit even though the shoes gave me blisters. I met two new girls today, because of Michelle. Molly and Alexis. I like Molly more than Alexis because Alexis looks conservative. Molly likes my way of dress, or today's way of dress. She also didn't seem grossed out at the thought of buying shit from Goodwill. I hope talking to her wasn't a one time only kind of thing.
In art, Derek was staring a hole into my soul. Whenever he answered a question, I'd look at him, and he was staring at me rather intensely and it made me really uncomfortable. I hated darting my eyes away from his, because that's a sign of insecurity and that's something I despise to admit. When I was cutting the excess string from my calligraphy project, kids were talking about me at Table One, and when I was going back to my table, they all stared at me. I fixed my hat.

Camel Menthol Crushes. Monday. No sooner, awesome. I should have reminded him that I haven't smoked in two fucking weeks.

am beautiful and flawless in my costume.

I went from being a pilgrim, to a unicorn, to Harry Potter, to Sherlock Holmes, and now I'm Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew because she's a girl, and I'm a girl, and so I can wear girly like clothes, clothes that I have.
I have to say, I'd wear this whenever in the year, and I plan on stealing the totally hip hat I'm wearing right now.
I wish I had super short hair. I think I'm going to cut my hair to the super short length I so desire. But I dunno, I keep fucking my hair up. It looks weird down now, so that's where this is all coming from.

I was giddy in school again. But then in novel I realized the day was going by reallllyyyy slow and just tried to sleep, but couldn't. The conversations seem so repetitive, it's getting on me nerves. I wish we could watch Love, Actually in novel, I love that movie.
During art we had to just draw something simple, in geometric shapes, and then again in organic shapes. I should have made a bet with Tyler that organic shapes was the one we had to do after geometric, because he said algebraic, and that's just dumb. I rubbed it in his face and felt five. Yesterday in art when I was hanging up my banner that I couldn't redo, Derek was also on the countertop and when he was getting down he said "Twinkies," I'M PRETTY SURE, over and over again. Then I felt a tap on my foot, and he was just standing by me, and I felt bad because I was like, "What the hell are you talking about?" "Our shoes!" "Oh..." "Just kidding..." "All right," Yeah.
But today I wanted to draw Captain K'nuckles, but I just couldn't do it. I also couldn't draw Flapjack or Bubby. I was so disappointed in myself. We had a long debate over what TV show Aaahh!!! Real Monsters. I just looked it up.

I loved that show. I'm going to tell all of them about it tomorrow, in my costume, I'm so excited.
I had four crab rangoon for lunch, and let Carina have the rest. The red powerade turned my teeth and lips red because my hygiene is the worst~~~~ Murphy told me that I couldn't get Blacks because he couldn't find them. Oh my God. They're banned, banned for good. The last Djarum Black I smoked was found on the ground, and Laura found it, and we almost didn't get it. I can't believe I'll never smoke another Djarum Black. I bet they aren't outlawed in Canada. I should go to College in New York, walk over the border for Blacks, and live like that. Commencing plan, oh yeah.
I really don't understand the ion formulas for chemistry. Da fuck is MgCl2 like, yeah, Magnesium Chloride, and there's two Chlorine elements. Yeah, but how do I KNOW THAT. Fuck. I'm gonna have to talk to Mrs. Clark in the morning, I hope Carina doesn't mind. PFhahaha, yeahhh.

Leaving school, I told Carina I would not be riding her bus because I didn't want to walk home in the rain. Because it was raining, Jerel was standing right in front of the doors I was to step out of, and he did the stupid gun thing to me again. He looked like a fag, with his washed out denim jacket, and grey pants and stupid shirt. But he was still attractive, and he always will be. That's why I dislike him so much. Because he's so handsome and he flirted with me, and nothing happened.
I wish I sat nearby Murphy, I don't even think he was on the bus. I walked home in the rain anyway because I felt like it.

Luanne's getting bitchier.

Gus told me I had received a package in the mail. Another big box from Florida, yeah! In it was my two Halloween dresses, that I didn't think I'd be using. I asked Murphy how I would be a unicorn, and he said to paint myself purple and wear a ice cream cone on my forehead. Best thing is, the one dress is purple and weird looking so I'm gonna wear it. My mom said that a crazy, curly, white wig would be really good, and now I want one so bad oh man. I'm going to ask Luanne if we can go to Goodwill tomorrow. I have $58 now~~~~~ I want that wig, so we'll go to Walmart. Maybe she'll buy it for me, who knows, but that'd sure be great.
Netflix is here too, oh how I love Netflix. Too bad we moved the DVD player donwstairs, and that was my idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Both movies are rated R. Changeling, and Away We Go. I'm excited for when I can rent (500)Days of Summer and Paper Heart. And all movies, really.

Today at school the "Grim Reaper" was walkin around school, killing off kids every 15 minutes. But at the end of the day, it sure didn't look like someone was killed every 15 minutes. It was supposed to symbolize the number of kids that die due to drunk drivers. Once they were picked, which was all set up, they couldn't talk because they were 'dead'. I remember County doing that last year, when I was in photography.
Murphy was picked, and holy fuck he looked so gothic today. He was wearing his mohawk up again, and had a leather jacket, and his plaid skinny jeans, and his combat boots on. Once you were picked, they put makeup on you to make you look dead. It as a lot to take in when I saw him during lunch, and I did my best not to laugh. Jerel was also in my lunch, and one of the dead kids. He reminds me of a rapist. He's getting his license on Halloween, how cool of him. Oh, Jerel, you and all of your bullshit lies. "I'm terrified of cars, I'll never drive," yeahhhh. He bugs the shit out of me.
During novel, his girlfriend walked into class and she looked at me as if she recognized me and I hated that. I didn't stare her down though, because I don't want her going back to Jerel telling him how I'm so jealous. What I didn't like most about her, is that she was wearing a huge shirt that reminded me of the long sleeved green shirt Jessie let me keep. And she was also wearing boots that I wanted.
In journalism, Mrs. Dunaway wasn't in class because she was presenting in the library on how to get published. We were supposed to go during novel, but didn't. But anyway, in journalism I took out my tea and Nick was shocked by the size. It was the bottle you buy for a dollar at the dollar store, and $1.87 at Shop n Save when they don't have the jugs of tea you like. I did feel pretty badass.
Carina told Kevin that I'd be talking to him, but I didn't because I felt obligated and the I didn't talk to him when I wanted to. There were just too many people, and I didn't want to walk with him. I also feel like Carina made it sound like I had some crush on him. And that only bothers me because I feel like he'd treat me differently. Plus, she told him that in front of Jerel, and she told Jerel that I didn't like him when I did. She's oblivious to all things around her; Murphy and I talked about that on the bus too. We talked about Carina for a long while. "She's scene!" "Murphy, she's is NOT scene. Scene kids are fucking stick skinny and super pail an--" "What are you saying?" "I'm saying she's f-- not skinny!" "So she's...?" "SHE'S FAT. OH MY GOD, SHE'S FAT." He couldn't believe I'd say that about her. Then I went into how she was too self absorbed to truly understand what she's saying, and he agreed. She told him that he should wear makeup everyday. I'm glad he sees me as a librarian. On the bus, he was trying to zip up his jacket and was having a hard time doing so. All I can say is, I'm pretty sure Murphy has a huge dick. And also, I felt really cool sitting next to him on the bus when we drove by the other kids that were killed during school because they were looking at the passersby, and I was sitting with Murphy. He's being a cowboy, and this kid Nathan who REALLLY reminds me of someone, and I think it's Adams-Apple-Adam, is going to be his cowgirl.

Harry's new Go Phone has a fantastic ring tone on it 'Tropical' sounds like Imogen Heap. I'm so jealous.

a bitchy lesbian.
People seem to think I don't like them, and that wouldn't really bother me if Kevin didn't also feel that way. He's one of the funniest kids I've met, and I truly appreciate it. During lunch I came up with the idea of hanging out with Kevin over Halloween. Carina asked him about it, and he said we should, and so I'll remind him in the hallway tomorrow. I guess I'll be a unicorn, however that happens is beyond me. I wish I had the headgear I want.

In novel we talked about horror movies, and I confessed my irrational fear of The Grudge. Nobody else understood, and I don't really either. I like talking to them though, they're all so nice. Emily brought in baby shower presents, and it made me want to cry. It was really weird seeing them gush over their soon-be-kids stuff.
In English Alison Dunaway was in our group, and I learned a little more about my journalism teacher. I wish me not doing the feature story would just go away. I don't want to talk to Alison about it, I just don't want to do it because it's 'too much work' -as Tyler would say.
Art sucked, and I hate my banner calligraphy bullshit thing. I'm redoing it.
During lunch Murphy talked to me about the Blacks, which made me happy because I didn't want to bring it up. TJ doesn't talk to me anymore. It's still raining nonstop. Mr. Mueller made a comment about the weather today: "If I wanted to live in overcast, I would have moved to Seattle," and it reminded me of Laura and the morning of Jessie's birthday party in Downtown Fort Pierce.
Murphy rode the bus today, with his mohawk up. It was really funny. He was also talkin to this man on staff who is his best friend ever, and I loved that he waved at me like a five-year-old. And so when he boarded the bus, he had to turn his head sideways and I just laughed.
Rachel was on the bus, Murphy sat with her, behind me, and this other redhead sat next to me. I was surrounded by The Gingers on the bus and I was creaming myself.

We carved pumpkins around whatever time that was. Marni and Gus had parent teacher conferences today, so they were gone for a long while and it was real nice. Harry and I made fun of Underworld: Evolution. What a terrible movie. My pumpkin reminds me of Carol from Where The Wild Things Are, not Jack the Skeleton.
Luanne's a big bitch, but I don't really want to go into elaborate detail about her 'tude.

Jerel's little brother's name is Aidan.

that the high point of my day was when the bus took a different route and I thought of it as an adventure? Maybe not an adventure, but I can't really explain why else I got so Goddamn excited. I was giddy about it.
copypaste
Something real great happened today. I had a really shitty day, and when I went out to get on my bus to go home, the doors were closed. The kids were all like, "AHhhhh the doors," and then the substitute bus driver opened them when she got there. So then we're on 94 and she turns at some light and everyone on the bus is like, "NOOOO. YOU GO STRAIIIIIGGGHHHHHTTTTTTTT!!!!" but she went anyway and it killed me not to start laughing. I was instantly put in a better mood because everything had changed, and the bus driver wasn't takin shit from the kids. We went into Monticello and everyone was flippin a shit, except for the kids who lived there because they usually get off last. When we pulled into Hidden Creek, a bunch of Saddlebrook kids got off the bus and crossed over, and I found it reallly funny. And so then she drove all the way down and Kyle and I were let off and Murphy thought it was funny, just like me. The 15 second conversation was really funny, I thought. The whole situation was funny. I got off the bus and just started laughing and didn't stop until I got into the shower. I had a laughing fit, and it was the greatest thing in the world.

But the whole rest of the day really did suck. My mood dampened when Luanne got home and yelled about the door being open. Harry did it, but I took the fall. He doesn't need to get in any more trouble, no no no.
I had two sodas. My abuse of soda consumption is startin to show, and I don't like that one bit. I guess I'll stop drinking as many as I possibly can just to spite them. And we'll have to get more tea and some damn juice up in this joint. Luanne doesn't like to buy juice, because we'll just drink it because its there. Stupid. I'm hungry, and when I'm hungry I'd rather drink something than eat a bunch of junk. All the nachos and cheese is not flattering to my face, or my stomach. I actually thought I was going to puke this afternoon because of the cheese. I'm getting sick of the same thing evvvverrrydayyy.

I waited last to get dinner tonight, because I didn't really want the tacos. Most of the meat was gone, but I don't really like it so it wasn't that big a deal to me. Luanne wanted to make enchiladas but couldn't because fatass Gus ate all the tortillas. What a freak, he just gets them out and eats them as a sandwich. Whenever I just ate bread, I left most of it. I hope he dies of a heartattack at the age of nine. Fuckin kid. Stupid kid. Racist kid. Fat kid.

Tim ate two puddings tonight. Harry had one pudding. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY BECAUSE TIM ATE THE LAST BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING THAT I SAID TO PUT ON THE LIST, AND THERE ARE TWO OTHER KINDS OF PUDDING THAT TIM BOUGHT. We had an argument over my pudding. It is My Pudding. It being butterscotch pudding. My Pudding is butterscotch pudding. It is My Pudding because I asked for it, and I put it in the cart, and I brought it out to the car, packed it in, brought it inside, and stuck it in the refrigerator. I'm pissed. I can't believe he took the last pudding. My mom would never have taken the last pudding. And if Gus wanted the butterscotch pudding, I'm sure Tim wouldn't have taken THE LAST ONE. I mean, that's just common courtesy. Who it was bought for, gets the last one. I do that with their Goddamn food. Fucking Missourian assholes. Grade A, if I do say so myself. I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


The new house sounds better, but the area code is 34952, not 34994.

I babysat today.
We watched Transformers 2, and played Spades, made cards, ate our pizza outside, and played tag. I had fun, which really surprised me. I talked to Laura while playing tag, and I was glad.
When they all got back, they sat in the truck that they rented and were blasting Elvis Costello. Just sittin there..












RRRRRRRRRRrrrrraven

after dinner.

It was really weird being alone with Luanne, both of us at separate computers. I went down to find my phone and she asked me if I wanted to go to Blockbuster to get The Blair Witch Project. We went, I didn't drive because I didn't ask because it was dark, and we got Transformers 2, and A Clockwork Orange instead. The Blair Witch Project wasn't in stock. I didn't see anyone at Blockbuster this time, and Luanne bought me Milk Duds and a Milky Way.

We watched A Clockwork Orange when we got back and it was fucking intense. I was really surprised I was watching it, and also very glad nobody else was home. Truth is, I don't really mind it here when its just me and my aunt and uncle. I just can't stand their kids. But we all need attention, so it makes sense to me.
When Tim, Gus, and Marni got home from ice skating at the Rex Plex, Gus was pissed that he couldn't watch A Clockwork Orange. The guy rapes women a whole fucking lot, and tits just kept popping up and holy shit I forgot what pubes looked like.
So he slammed doors and went to bed early, but I knew he was secretly watching from the restroom just like he did with National Treasure. Luanne noticed and kept telling him to go to bed, right before tits were on the screen. He got mad and asked why LAUREL got to watch it and HE didn't. It's almost as if me being six years older than him doesn't even phase his miniscule and very narrow minded brain. He yelled at Tim about hockey and then went to his room and cried like a motherfucker. Such a baby. Why was he crying? I hate him.

Luanne went downstairs and read to Marni and Gus went back down, all happy, and they participated in family shit down there. I will make his life hell tomorrow. I fucking hate you most, Gus.

We were going camping, but I can't remember who I was with. I think maybe it was me and my mom and my brother, and just people. It wasn't really camping though, so I guess like all the camping we've done here. I guess I could call it a shotty resort. We had our own house, but it was more like what an inside of a trailer looks like -with a lot of cupboards and hiding places, but it was big and not a trailer or camper or anything of the sort. There were a lot of hills, and dogs, and frisbees, and creeks, and just weird shit. I guess we were located at the very bottom of this huge hill, and thinking about it is making me think of other dreams I've had. Anyway, crazy shit starts to happen in our cabin house thing and my dream turns into a nightmare. And so we get the fuck out of there, and then we're at this huge music festival it seems. But its not really a huge music festival, it's like a local show. But I somehow know the band, and am chilllllen with them 'backstage' and its fucking crazy. Then Michael's in it and we're talking on the phone? and it just gets weirder and I stop talking to him, but I see him, and then I see Lana. And Lana's acting like a slut and saying how they should leave, but I made plans with Michael to hang out at this music thing. And so I can see all of this goin down, but I'm not there, so I feel like the almighty Father and its great, but I'm sad. Lana's throwin herself all over Michael and I'm thinking about what we talk about and him telling me he loves her and all this shit and then they break up because they're arguing. Then I'm at the front of the pit for whatever is going down and this girl I recognized is asking me if I'm waiting for somebody, but I'm just looking for Michael because I know he's upset. And then I'm the master overseer and I see him walking over to the blue covering and then he starts yellin for me and its just weird and overwhelming. Then I woke up and it was awesome.



My Friday off was super, I watched tv all day. Luanne and Harry slept until one, and I felt weird walkin around knowing people were here but not being able to see them. I was on Facebook for quite some time and I told Tylor that Laura has several huge dicks that will impregnate him. I'm so hungry. I've been hungry all day, and just eating toast. I can drive now. My mom called me and told me I am for sure moving back before a years up, and now I'm trying to talk her into having us move down for Thanksgiving. She was also thinking about this. But a lot has to happen in a month, so I really hope for none of you to get your hopes up.

I really want to come back for Thanksgiving though. I can see the Fox movie with my friends, and then go to Michael's house party that he invited me to for several days, even though I live in Missouri.


IWANNAIGOTTAIMGONNA?

Last night after the nasty dinner we had I took a bath and then stayed in my room from 7 to 6 this morning. I hate living here so much. I've become a depressed little shit, and I only hope that maybe that will get me out of this hellhole that much faster. My mom called me around 7:10 and we talked until she had to go to some meeting at 8:30. I don't even know what her meetings are, but I think its like AA or something. She thinks she's a terrible mom and has only been a poor influence on me, and I hated hearing her tell me that. She's a great person, and smarter than all of the mom's I've met here so far. I hate everything. I was really upset when we couldn't talk anymore. It's just so unfair.
Listening to BMTH again makes me happy, but angry at the same time because I remember my mom trying to bree and Antonio's shirt that I stole and that now Lisa has it and that we cut off the sleeves. I hate remembering. Worst thing is, TJ wore that same shirt today. He also no longer waves and smiles and grants peace upon me when I see him in the hallway, and I hate it. He used to bring up my sour mood, and now he only brought it down.
I threw away my feature story idea and decided not to do it. By throw away, I really mean I didn't confront Abby Gates on her pregnancy because I suck.
In English, Jerel walked into the classroom and I hated every second that he was in there. Him and his swag. Him and his stupid red sweater. Him and his stupid jaw that juts out. Michelle looked at me when he walked in and I got very stiff.
In art I became frustrated with myself because I couldn't do the calligraphy and my project is going to suck.
No lunch, that just added on to my splendid mood.
The bus ride was terrible. At first, I thought this kid and Jerel were going to get on the bus because of Murphy, but Murphy didn't even get on the bus. I got off at the first stop even though it was raining and walked home. There's this massive pimple on the left side of my face near my lip and it hurts.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMWELL
Yesterday Marcia read through Carina's sent text messages and read Carina asking Murphy for a bowl and weed, so now she's been threatened with being sent back home. Fourth time this has happened, I can't say I'm too worried. I will however become worried when they set the date, and purchase her plane ticket, if that's how she's getting back to California. Marcia may or may not call me, asking what Carina was talking to Murphy about. "Carina was confronted by this kid Jake in her driver's ed class who wanted weed but didn't know how to get it. I don't know why he asked Carina, and I don't know why she said yes. It just happened." What I'd really like to say is, "The both of you are being shotty guardians and only make Carina feel like a bad person. She's not a destructive person, nor is she very constructive. She's a teenager. You two were teenagers. Your kids will be teenagers. I think you're letting stress consume you. Chill the fuck out." Her dad told her he didn't want her, and that is just not okay with me at all. I can't imagine how she must feel. Believing that your father doesn't want you because he's not around is completely different from your father telling you that he doesn't want you at all. What kind of person does that? He makes me sick, and deserves only the roughest of hardships. I'm glad they're broke and fat and annoying and just generally repulsive. It's what they deserve. They are such scum.



When Murphy turns 18 he's donating as much sperm as he can so Little Murphy's will populate earth. How he talked about it was pretty atrocious, I have to say. I did not turn to him and lecture him how terrible children feel growing up without a father. I thought it would only hinder our friendship, and that's not something I want. He and these other kids started talking about Green Day, and I held my tongue then too. Holding back is one of the best things I do, and this has proven to sometimes be very good for me.
I think me telling Murphy I had a dream about Djarum Blacks was a good idea, it seemed to humor him. It was really terrible though. Not a good dream. It was me, my brother, Andrea, Dan, Grandma, and Sam Lawless was there and she looked preppy and we rode to this house in a speeding fast carriage with magical horses. In the house was animals. Just animals. Animals because I really like the Mike Snow song, and am very pleased with Courtland for exploiting it and its greatness. I have to say I rather enjoyed the bus ride home. Murphy tapped my shoulder immediately and we talked about how Carina got in trouble and how much I dislike her stepmother. Then thee two kids got on the bus, Michael (who's not quite dating my first lab partner in chemistry) and Green Day Fag (though I've signed a pledge not to demean those who are homosexual) and we all sat in a square. Each in our own seat, sitting towards the aisle. I felt like I had friends, and it was grrrrrrrrrrreat! Murphy kept asking me for input and that was very much appreciated. He thinks I store all of my underwear in my briefcase, but I think what he really meant was tampons, because I don't know any female that carries around her underwear. Tampons are much easier to transport. I told them all that beards only look good on certain people, and fat people were not one of those people. "Santa Claus can nnot rock a beard," is what I said, and I felt funny saying it. Not haha funny either. The "hellaz" and "ganking" is getting to me. Rock a beard, oh come on. They didn't seem to notice, and only furthered the conversation. Murphy said Goodbye to me on the bus, and I remembered that I never gave him the money for my Blacks. So I told him to get the $10 out of my wallet and then we argued about whether or not a movie ticket stub was in my wallet. There was, I lost. I'm feeling quite confident in shoving myself into Murphy's Halloween plans, but maybe I'm just saying that to reassure myself that I can do it.


In art, my calligraphy project is going to say "Invincible Four" because it was the closest I could find to Fantastic Four. I miss the trio, and Raven, and Lisa, and Courtland, and Michael. And especially my mom. I think about you guys all of the time, you're linked to everything and I feel like I bum vibes out because all I talk about is Florida. I like remembering all the fun shit we did though, so to hell with these Missourians, they don't have to listen to my stories. I'm happiest when I talk about it all though, even though it makes me feel sad. Anyway, we couldn't find a larger image on "win" in Kanji because Mrs. Kendall no longer had the link, and the packets were put together YEARS AGO. I spent the whole hour at her desk talking to her, and I can't say I was too unhappy about it. I really like Mrs. Kendall, she's just the cutest. I told her that my best friend's brother lives in Japan, in Osaka? and that I wasn't too sure if that was where he lived. Then we discussed me practicing the symbols tomorrow in class when everyone else was doing their writing assignments, and I just do the writing stuff for homework. I have to set up fast and work away from everyone else, and if I can do that, I can paint tomorrow.

I really need a new prescription for my glasses and birth control.

that Jerel's little brother waved to us in his car. I know their car, I feel like I spy.

Also, my fortune cookie says, "You will soon be receiving sound spoken advice. Listen!" Eh.






Family game night, woooooooooooooo!

this Samantha character is that I've been talking to on MySpace about Bluemanism, but I hope she lives somewhere close to where I do in Florida. I love Floridians, they just totally get me!!

Scatter.





Murphy came to the conclusion of Carina being scene in their fifth hour, and oh my God I found it so funny. I was just like, "Murphy, my definition of scene does not fit Carina in any ways at all." He thinks she's scene because she wears skinny jeans, eye makeup, her hair is dyed, her vans and sweaters, and her bracelets. I've come to understand that the scene in Florida isn't truly Scene, but they will always and forever be The Scenie Weanies to me. I told him I was going to show him some scene kids tomorrow, and I am going to do just that. He needs to know that Carina isn't scene. I'd say I'm just grateful they didn't turn the tables on me, but he told Carina I look more like a librarian, and should be that rather than an astronaut. I'm not going to be an astronaut, or a librarian. I don't know what I'm gonna do anymore, but being an astronaut would be cool as shit. Anyway, he patted our heads and walked away from Carina screaming his name. Carina also told everyone in her driver's ed class that I'm a virgin, which doesn't really bother me. What does bother me is that Murphy thought I had never been kissed. WELL, WELL, WELL, I LOOK LIKE A LOSER. Kids in her class were asking why I didn't talk, I thought that was weird. She told me that people ask her about me all of the time. They should ask me what they're asking Carina. I don't like freshman asking her shit about me, not at all.
Yesterday Carina decided she was going to buy some weed and them have me get high with her. I guess I can't really argue with her if its all free and all I have to do is show up and have a nice time. But she gets her baby on Thursday and that was the day we had planned on getting the "supplies" ahahahhahaha. I can't say I'm heartbroken. But Murphy was surprised that I agreed to getting high with Carina. He thinks I'm a square. I wish he didn't think I was a square. Today on the bus ride to school I figured out that I'm developing feelings for Murphy. I guess I didn't "figure out" but I came to the acceptance of it. Someone in Carina's driver's ed class told Murphy he should hook up with me, and I'm sure it got really awkward for Carina and Murphy in the class. It makes me sad to think that I'm not pleasing to others. I wish I was pleasing to others, so much.

During the five minutes we have to get to class from second hour to third, Kevin and I had a conversation in the hallway, I suppose. I didn't see him at first, and he called out my name. "I hear you were eavesdropping on me, on Friday." "That was all on Carina, she left me this crazy voicemail." "Uhhhhh huhhhhh." "No really, and I could hardly hear anything. Mainly just Tyler." "What?" "I heard Tyler in the background the whole time." And then he impersonated Tyler. Kevin's so funny, I'm glad he talks to me.
I also saw Jerel with Paige, his girlfran, and then I saw Jerel push Murphy and that's it. The two of them aren't on speaking terms, and it makes me verrrryyyyy happy.

I rode Carina's bus home, so we could talk to Kevin about hanging out over this weekend, but Jerel was on the bus so we didn't. Carina made me move to the inside of the seat when Jerel was getting on the bus, on accident, and I felt trapped in the corner behind her. She's like a huge barricade. Then I started talking about The Owl Kid, and Carina was like, "Jerel, doesn't that kid look like an owl?" and so he, Kevin, and this kid James? all tried to find Owl Kid. They found him, and then they all hooted, James started that marvelous idea. It was so much fun, I felt like a fruit cake. Owl Kid and Kevin get off at the same stop, and so he asked us if we would like for him to rape Owl Kid when they got off the bus. He didn't really rape him, he just rubbed up all over him and ran away. It was so funny.

When we got to Carina's house, Duke got out and I had to chase him down. It wasn't that hard, but it was really frustrating. It was also super hot outside in my sweater. Carina groped me again and blamed my tits. Then I told her I favored my left tit, and she thought that was weird. We walked to Shop N Save to meet Murphy, but he never called back after the first missed call, or showed up for that matter. Carina was supposed to give him the money for a bowl and $30 for weed. They were splitting the cost of the drugs, and Carina was really excited. I felt so stupid. I bought some Milk Duds and tried jelly beans. I only liked the pink one. We went to First Wok and Carina bought me four crab rangoon because I bought her lunch. I was so happy. After that, we went to Shop N Save so Carina could use the restroom because she didn't want to use the restroom in First Wok due to this slut being there. I did everything for her in First Wok. It took Carina 10 minutes to shit, and Withheld called me three more times. I think I finally figured out why they kept calling -I never said Goodbye. I always said Hello, but never Goodbye. I feel like I fixed the problemmmmmm.
Then we walked back to Carina's house because she was in trouble. She's always in trouble, she doesn't even do anything. I went inside her house to shit, and she walked in on me. Funny thing was, we were just talking about how I wouldn't care if she saw me shitting. It was like she did it on purpose, but I'm not so sure. She thought I clogged her toilet, but I didn't, the water pressure was too low so I just had to wait. I've never clogged a toilet with my shit, and never will.

as to how Christian Thompson finds the music that he listens to. It kills me.


Today was just the same as every other day.
I heard the teachers talking about how they thought Mrs. Longton was doing so much of a better job at getting to class on time, or even coming to class. She was 45 minutes late today. When I was sitting out in the hall, I didn't see Murphy go into his class and it worried me immensely. He was apparently late to school, but now that I think about it that doesn't make much sense. How could he have been late to school if he saw Carina without me in the morning? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I like him the same.
He apologized for not picking up the phone on Friday, "I'm sorry. I was just wayyy too high to answer the phone. TJ was with me." "Oh, that's okay.." Carina wanted to know why I called him. I didn't tell her I'd much rather hang out with him than make up with her, even though we've now made up. What she did was really shitty, but its not worth the loss of a friendship. That is something I've learned over the past year. Dropping friends with the snap of a finger is not the way to go, especially when you only have three that are more of acquaintances than pals. Today was a bright and sunny day, and Murphy and TJ and this kid Dan all put their stuff down by me anyway. I was so glad. Derek and Kenny didn't, but that didn't quite bother me. I just like Murphy and TJ anyway. They left though, but I guess I was glad for that too because I felt bad about being mean to Carina.
I now know why Murphy doesn't ride the bus when he has his mohawk up. It's not because of the seats, but instead due to his height. Walking to a seat, his head slides across the top of the bus. I was amazed. He also did not sit with me which disappointed me. Then this girl sat with me, and then got up continuously and ended up sitting somewhere else. That kind of hurt my feelings even though we weren't talking. But then Rachel, from my novel class, got on the bus and I was pretty surprised to see her, being a senior and all, and I also have this feeling that she has a car and drives Murphy around town. She sat with me and I wished I had something to say. Goddamn I wish I had something to say. She's one of the few girls that I like here, and I said nothing. I can't believe how awkward it was. It sucked. I suck. This place sucks.


I still haven't talked to Murphy about the blacks. I just don't know how. I'm also very worried about Halloween.






Marni and her friend are yelling at Harry through the air vents. We hate it here so much.

but I mean, it is really all I want up here.
All I want is to hang out with Murphy as much as possible. If I can't hang out with Murphy and company, then I want to be in Goodwill with Michelle. And if I can't be in Goodwill with Michelle, then I want to be in a field all by myself.
I only dreamt of hanging out with Murphy and company. I had a lot of fun in my dream, needless to say.
I wish things would go my way once in a while.


Yesterday Big Red came over and was rude as always. I don't like being Gus' cousin because when his friends come over they think poorly of me. I hate it. I want to leave so bad. My pride is gone, I just want out.
We ended up seeing Where The Wild Things Are before 5, and that pleased me. However, the car ride there sucked. I wasn't allowed to sit in the backseat, and had to move up. This was because Big Red and Gus wanted the back seat. I argued with Tim about it, because the middle seat has less leg room, and Harry and I are at least a foot taller than the both of them, so we'd be much more comfortable sitting in the back. Not to mention, I knew they'd fuck with us. Soooo I lost that battle and sure enough, they kicked my seat, threw the ball at our heads, and were generally a couple of annoying snobby nine-year-old boys. Once inside the theatre, Big Red saw a New Moon poster and told Gus how much he wanted to see that. Harry and I both laughed at this. What a fag.

The movie was so good. The preview for Blind Spot, I think it is, made me cry. I love movies. So I cried throughout almost the whole movie, and I'm not ashamed at all. I also fixed my hair up yesterday, so I was pretty confident in my dress yaknow?

Then we got home and Harry and I watched Saw II and III. I did not have nightmares.




Today, I played Spades with Tim up to 1000 points so we played over 21 hands. After that I got dressed and then Luanne picked me up to go to Kohls. She forgot that I needed a winter coat. I got a winter coat, all right. Oh man, its like a cloud, and I love it. I'm wearing it right now. It's beige.
Then we went to Marni's soccer game. Some kid in the concession kept staring at me and I didn't like it because it was creepy. Marni's team won. Marni scored a goal by sliding and kicking the ball in -it was mighty impressive, but her only good play. She's got hustle, for sure.

Then we came home and I ate, and we watched When Animals Attack, and some football games. Futball. Then we drove 10 miles to Klondike Park. I took pictures, and we hiked. I took pictures while we hiked. I took 193 pictures. My camera did very well today, and so did I.

We had Chipotle for dinner. I'm so stuffed and tired and so ready to shit.




Kohls.

I learned how to screencap was truly a great day.
















Big Red is over and I wish he wasn't.
Also, my phone froze which meant it was off, so now I don't know if Murphy called me back from last night and its ticking me offfffFFFFFFfffffFFfFf.
And we're going to see Where The Wild Things Are in 39 minutes.

take baths in my free time.


Today I was very sleepy and cranky not because I didn't get to bed last night at a decent time, but because I was afraid of shit popping up in my room. Michael called me last night and we talked for a long while. I'm really glad he called, even though I didn't finish my chocolate ice cream. The connection kept screwing out so talking started to get annoying after we had to continue calling each other. Cassie's going to dread his hair, and I really wish that wasn't the case. I thought you separated the two of them, Laura? Our conversations haven't really changed since eighth grade, and I'm really happy about it. All that's changed is we know how we feel about each other, and that's just dandy. I miss everyone that I've ever met, so much.

So because I was paranoid throughout the night, I was cranky at school. I wanted to hit Dylan and Ryan for singing in world history. In journalism this kid Nick talked about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs for about a millisecond. We read in novel. Mrs. Blessman had to leave for some family thing, so we read The Book of Fred in English. Art. Sucked. Tyler was high on something and all he could do is talk about it. I find it strange that when kids are high, they're like "d00D, im s0o0 5t0n3D r1t3 n0w..............y34h," and shit. He likes to talk about doing drugs because he's embarrassed by his large, very shiny, ears. I was mad throughout that class because nothing got done and Cathy lies about crazy shit and my paper crinkled, just like Mrs. Kendall said it wouldn't. During lunch Murphy and Carina fought over her spot for a while, and I found it amusing. Jerel was in my lunch, which was really weird -He's Murphy's man, and visa versa. When Jerel left, he took Murphy with him and I didn't like that at all because with Murphy being gone, all the other kids walked away. Murphy then did not stand around us after he got back from wherever Jerel took him. So it was just me and Carina, and then Carina left to go make new friends. Her making new friends really just meant her walking over to Rachel's table and leaving me alone in the cold during lunch without any food. This really hurt my feelings, and was all I could think about in chemistry and geometry. My plans with Carina had vanished, I wanted nothing to do with her.

On the bus, Murphy was getting off it when I was getting on. "Get off the fucking bus, Laurel," also really hurt my feelings, even though he said it with a smile and added a Goddammnit to emphasize his joke. Maybe if I was in a better mood I would have sat with his stuff and surprised him when he boarded the bus again, but who's to really say? Maybe I'll do that next week. The bus ride was uncomfortable. Some girl sat with me, and some kid sat with Murphy. He grabbed for my book and it scared the shit out of me to see this string of plaid emerge from my left side. But I got over that and told him what a great book Look Me In The Eye is. People look at it because Running With Scissors is also on the title page. That's why Jerel asked me about it, and I'm sure that's why Murphy picked it up. Yesterday when I rode Carina's bus she got mad at me because I talked to Jerel. Apparently the whole point of me riding her bus was so that she could talk to someone and exclude Jerel like he had done to her the day before yesterday. So when I talked to Jerel, Carina became upset with me. Jerel doesn't make much sense in his questions though, and I amused myself when I shut down his dropping-batteries-in-the-woods theory. It wasn't even a theory, I have no idea why he asked me if batteries would harm the woods if deposited there. No idea.

When I got off the bus, I was still very mad and upset. Carina called the house phone asking about the movie and I told her I didn't want to go anywhere with her. We've had our first fight. I'm not going to get over it, she was wrong, I am right, she needs to apologize. I've never had to deal with someone like Carina, and I feel like she's gnawing my skin off. "Stay for guitar lessons, it'll be too awkward with just Dan and me!" "Ride my bus, I don't want Jerel to sit with me!" "I don't want to meet in our spot anymore, let's sit somewhere else!" "Laurel, I'm too cold out here, we have to move!"
What about what I want? Do you honestly think I want to do all of the things for you that I do? I hate running upstairs for your things, I despise not being able to eat at your house, and I can't stand how you or your family acts. I've remained kind and a loyal friend to you for two months because you were my first actual friend in Missouri and I thought that had some miniscule level of significance to you. I guess not. You're a bitch, Carina Chapel wannabe Markley, and have only affected my life in negative ways.

I called my mom to talk to her about coming home, again. I cannot last a full year of this. I will not last a full year of this. I do not care how it affects my schooling, I need to go back to Florida. I miss being around people that care, and love me. I miss everyone. I hate the thought of going back to how things were though, because I took for granted all relationships made. I've just really let myself down with how I've acted. I don't want to start over in Missouri, starting over in Missouri gets me nowhere. I'm leaving Missouri before January. No doubt about it in my mind.



The housing situation in PSL is however looking bad at this point. Something financial, the reason why I'm up here in the first place. Fucking kill me.